One of the first things the husbot and I did when we moved to Austin was to begin our search for the cheapest gym in the area. While some people may go for the frou-frou spas offered by the more upscale gyms, or seek out gyms that also offer extra programs like free yoga and Pilates classes or a pool, we are die-hard budget gym members. We look for the types of gyms where bodybuilders work out, because we know they take their equipment—and, specifically, their free weights—seriously and don’t mess around with those “extras” like hot towels and free massages.

Call us crazy, but when we go to work out, we want to just work out. After all, why would you want a pool at the gym when you can hit up Barton Springs?

Anyway, we tried out a bunch of different Austin-area gyms, thanks to trial memberships and inexpensive day-passes, and this is what we found, to help you with your search for the best gym in Austin.

GOLD’S GYM

The first gym we tried out was one of the Gold’s Gym locations in North Austin (9101 Research Blvd), thanks to a partnership with the hotel where we were staying. The gym itself was nicely appointed, with plenty of cardio machines ranging from stairmasters and treadmills to ellipticals and good old-fashioned bikes. You could plug your headphones in and listen to a variety of sporting events, music videos or news stations on the TVs, or just crank your music. Their free weights were plentiful, and there were plenty of plates so that you didn’t have to wander around looking for them, or (god forbid!) have to borrow them off of other nearby machines. The weightlifters and body builders were out in force each time we went, so we knew the place was serious, and their locker rooms were spotlessly clean.

Drawbacks: They don’t list their membership fees on the website, and won’t even tell you over the phone what memberships cost, so you know it’s going to be pricey and a hard sell is involved. As the husbot, who has worked at a Gold’s Gym in the past, put it, “There are different levels of membership: gold, silver and bronze. You pay more for different services, so if you just want to use the free weights it’s one price, but if you want cardio too, it’s more.” The potential price is never stated, unless you come into the gym and talk to the salesperson, but is estimated at around $50 a month, plus a $150 enrollment fee.

Plus side: Although this was, by far, our favorite gym and membership would definitely be worth the cost, we just cannot afford it, and really hate their shady sales. They currently have a $1 enrollment special listed on their website, though there’s no mention of what the ensuing monthly fees will entail.

Overall grade: A-

24 HOUR FITNESS

The next gym we hit up was a 24 Hour Fitness location in North Austin (10616 Research Blvd). The cardio section of the gym was fairly well appointed, with plenty of bikes, treadmills, stairmasters and elliptical machines squeezed into an oddly shaped (and square-foot limited) space. It seemed as though the cardio machines were all facing the free weights and weight machines, to encourage staring at your fellow gym rats. This really bothered me. I much prefer all cardio machines to face the same direction, preferably keeping them distanced enough from the weight machines and free weights that people don’t feel like pieces of meat as they grunt and sweat at their chosen stations.

As for the free weights, there was quite a line-up for the limited racks of dumbbells they had on hand, and I felt like I was fighting for territory. Not to mention the cramped quarters. Meanwhile, the machines were supposedly all on a circuit, forcing those not interested in completing circuit training arguing with those who were mid-circuit over who should next be allowed to use the machine. Preposterous!

Then, for some reason, there was a ton of unused space in an area between yoga studios, presumably for stretching, and which people were attempting to take over for various other purposes ranging from push-ups and sit-ups to full-on Tai-Chi workouts (wtf? go to a park!). This mismanaged space made for an all-around uncomfortable work-out, and the feeling that this gym was trying to cram too much stuff into far too little space. (Did I mention the indoor track surrounding the workout area?)

Drawbacks: As mentioned above, though these may be particular to the location we checked out. They offer a 7-day free trial membership good at all locations, so you may want to investigate the rest before making up your mind.

Plus side: $26.99 a month (limited to workouts at one location only) isn’t so bad, as far as membership fees go, especially if you like extra classes and a pool included. Plus, if you’ve got a job that involves weird hours, they’re open—you guessed it!—24 hours a day. No couples/family plans, though, which is a bummer if you’re paying $26.99 x 2, or $53.98 a month.

Overall grade: C-

HYDE PARK GYM

Hyde Park Gym (4125 Guadalupe) is the one with the giant, possibly steroid-enhanced arm holding a dumbbell on the sign out front. You know the muscleheads love this place by that sign alone.

Additionally, they also boast a variety of Austin-area athletes as members, and their website features those who’ve made the covers of various magazines like Muscle & Fitness. The husbot, who loves to lift really heavy weights, was immediately sold on this gym’s old-school, dank basement-y, Arnold Schwarzenegger-ish man’s man charm, complete with only four (4!) total cardio machines (an elliptical machine, 2 ancient Airdyne bikes—y’know, the type with the fan on the front and the moving arm pieces?—and one cross-country skiing type of machine that I’ve never seen before or since), but TONS UPON TONS of free weights and machines (click here for a complete list of their equipment).

Wait, there may have been a treadmill in there too, so that’s FIVE cardio machines.

For the record: the husbot completely ignores cardio machines in his workouts. A total of 4 cardio machines, however, is a big drawback for me, as I like to mix it up with a bit of biking and a little elliptical, depending on my mood. I also hate feeling crowded or rushed by others, and don’t think there is any excuse for wait times when it comes to cardio. Buy those mofos in bulk, god dammit! This is why people join gyms instead of working out in their apartment complex’s crappy little “fitness center,” ya dig?

But back to the gym’s equipment. Aside from their astonishing lack of cardio machines, most of their weight-lifting machines were also of the ancient variety. Which was fine for the most part, until I got to the machines that involved pulleys, like the lat machine and the seated row machine, where in place of a standard-issue cable, there was actually a jump rope. A knotted, slowly-fraying jump rope. No, I’m not making this up.

Now, I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure this is quite dangerous, and possibly illegal. We mentioned it to the guys running the place, and they shrugged it off, so I’m not sure what else to tell you, except AVOID PULLEYS at this gym.

Drawbacks: Jump ropes instead of cables on all pulley weights. Not enough cardio machines. Many meatheads grunting and slamming weights. Women here are few and far-between (though this might be considered a plus if you’re single).

Plus side: If you like old-school free weights, and free weights only, this is the place to go. If you want to work out with local athletes, this is also the place to go. Rates are fairly reasonable, and are charged by single workouts ($10), weekly ($32) or monthly ($54) passes, 3 months at a time ($119), 6 months at a time ($207), or one year-long fee of $369. They also offer a 12-workout punch-card, which costs $72, and would be ideal for people who only work out once or twice a week.

Overall grade: C+ for effort, bringing it old-school, but F- for maintenance. Jump ropes in place of a cables = accident waiting to happen. I hope your liability insurance is all paid up.

YMCA

Creepy, ineffectual cleaning lady following you around with a rag and scowling! Annoying new mommies sitting on the machines and cooing over babies! People who just generally look at you like you’re crazy for lifting weights of more than 20 lbs!

I hate the Austin YMCA (5807 McNeil Drive).

Also, their prices blow; $55 a month ($70 for a couples membership) is NOT a bargain. I find it hard to believe that the Austin Chronicle voted this place the best gym in town for several years running, but perhaps it has to do with this line from their website: “We also offer reduced membership for all rates, for qualified applicants, that are based on household income [...] We will not turn anyone away due to inability to pay program or membership fees.”

We never heard boo about this when we hit them up for a free trial workout, so apparently you have to beg and plead for it. Or maybe you have to join the church and serve as a volunteer somewhere in exchange for their obscene fees? Who knows, but I’d rather not feel like a charity case because I can’t afford $70 a month for me and the husbot to hit the gym. (Speaking of which, if the YMCA is a certified charity, shouldn’t their fees be a lot lower to begin with?)

Drawbacks: Begging for a discount ain’t my style. I may be cheap, but I’ve got my pride. Plus, who the fuck wants to go to a gym where there are so many children around? Also, fire your “cleaning” lady, because although she wiped about every available surface with her filthy rag, giving everyone the stink-eye the entire time even though this is pretty much her job, she never lifted a finger when I got off my bike, leaving it all sweaty and disgusting. (I went back and cleaned it myself, FYI.)

Plus side: If you don’t mind begging, you can probably get a membership for free, or rilly rilly cheap. But you’ll have to provide proof of just how crappy your income actually is to get it. Is this really a plus? I’m torn.

Overall grade: A solid D-

PURE AUSTIN

I found a free trial membership code somewhere online for Pure Austin (2 locations, one at Quarry Lake in North Austin and one at Town Lake in South Austin), which bills itself as “an indoor gym for outdoor people,” and was going to give it a whirl—until I found out how much this insanely overpriced gym actually costs. With $150 as their “initial membership fee,” plus a minimum of $59 a month in fees, there was no way the husbot and I could afford this place. I mean, that’s $300 per person just to sign up, PLUS $118 a month in fees; how is this reasonable? Sure, they seem to be serious about fitness, with their millions of classes (some even venturing into the great outdoors, weather permitting), but they’re seriously out of my price range, and if you’re reading this, probably yours as well.

Drawbacks: Membership is out of your price range. Way, way, WAY out of your price range.

Plus side: I guess there must be some since they do actually have members, but seeing as I didn’t want to get hooked on a drug I couldn’t afford, I didn’t bother to check the place out.

Overall grade: F, for their Fancypants Pricing

PLANET FITNESS

The gym we finally subscribed to, thanks to its insanely cheap pricing scheme, Planet Fitness, is actually a fairly decent gym for the budget-minded. It’s also extremely friendly to the completely non-athletic, as their motto is “the Judgement Free Zone®.” (Yes, with a registered trademark!) Their color scheme may be the most horrendous in town (purple and yellow? MY EYES, THEY BURN!), but they are true to their word: they are really, really, REALLY cheap. Their PF Black Card membership, which is the most pricey, costs only $19.99 a month, while the über-basic membership costs a mere $10 a month.

Yes. $10. A month. There’s a $29 or $39 yearly membership fee, depending on which option you choose, but that’s it. Crazy, right?

We went for the Black Card memberships, with which you get:

• reciprocal use at any of their locations throughout the U.S.,
• daily guest privileges (as in: you can bring a guest, for free, every day if you want!),
• unlimited tanning (not something we’ve used, but an interesting freebie),
• unlimited use of the massage chairs, and
• half-price cooler drinks

Granted, the cooler drinks are overpriced to begin with, so halving their price only makes them marginally reasonable, but sometimes you don’t feel like hitting up the Vitamin Shoppe before your workout, y’know? I’ve used the massage chair only once thus far, but it was a nice experience, especially after a hard workout. They also have TONS of cardio machines. Behold the glory!

The only real problem with this gym is that it’s definitely not made for serious athletes. While I, in theory, like the idea of a “judgement-free zone” while working out, having been to far too many gyms where you feel like a piece of meat based on the number of times people eye-fuck you, I also strongly believe in working out at the gym. You know, as in getting sweaty, lifting heavy weights and generally feeling like you did something hard that you will need to shower after. Sometimes, “judgement-free” seems to mean “you’re not allowed to tell the lazy-asses who are just having a chat and sitting on the machines doing nothing to please move so you can use said machine,” which bugs me. Especially since, despite their rows and rows of cardio machines, they don’t actually have that many weight-lifting machines, and the free weight area can start to get crowded on weekends with the members that actually are serious about working out.

Also, the whole concept of the “Lunk Alarm” pisses me off. No, I don’t want meatheads grunting and throwing down their weights in the free weight area. But I also don’t want to feel like people are JUDGING ME in a supposedly JUDGEMENT-FREE ZONE because I grunt or groan or puff out my cheeks when I am straining to lift a heavy weight. I’m not doing it to intimidate anyone, I’m doing it because it’s fucking heavy—and you would too if you were trying to lift something heavier than a pop can, okay?!

But, to be fair, I have no idea if the Lunk Alarm can actually be set off or not. In my experience, it never has (and there certainly isn’t a button for members to press, thank jeebus!), so I suspect it’s mostly just a gimmick to try to keep meatheads out. Then again, this YouTube video says otherwise:

Drawbacks: No squat rack. Dumbbells only go up to 70 lbs, and they don’t have 1/2 lb increments. Not enough plates, so you’re always borrowing from a neighbor. Only one leg press (i.e. a super high-traffic machine, wtf?). Stupid “Lunk Alarm” nonsense. Essentially: not a gym that’s for people who are serious about working out.

Plus side: Extremely cheap. Like, insanely so. Tons and tons of cardio equipment. If you like tanning, you don’t have to pay extra for it at this gym (with Black Card membership only), and if you’re not the most athletically-inclined, no one is going to make fun of you here.

Overall grade: B+

NOTE: This is by no means an exhaustive list of all the gyms in Austin. We are, thankfully, a very fitness-conscious city, and there are lots of options. If you happen to know of a good, honest, inexpensive gym that you’d like to recommend, let us know!