That being said, chili is effin’ wicked in the summertime, too. As some Old Wives will tell ya, eating or drinking hot stuff actually cools you off. Dunno if I necessarily believe in this concept, but it sure is nice to stuff your gob with spicy deliciousness and then drink down a gallon or two of water. Pair it up with an ice-cold beer and some might even say you’ve got a little slice of heaven there, pardner.

As any good Texan knows, there are many different kinds of chili, not the least of which is “Texas style” chili—i.e. the no-bean variety that uses chuck roast rather than ground beef for the meat. Having done some time in Cincinnati, I’ve also come to appreciate the joys of a good Cincinnati chili, complete with cocoa powder and cinnamon, thin “gravy” style sauce, and fixin’s 2 (spaghetti + chili), 3 (add cheddar cheese), 4 (add diced onions or beans) or 5-ways (add diced onions and beans). And perhaps it’s the New Yorker buried deep down inside that says you’d better serve that chili on a Coney Island hot dog or it’s not worth bothering with.

As you can see, I love me some chili, in all its glorious incarnations.

The recipe I currently use, however, comes from Cook’s Illustrated and maximizes the spices combined to form this chili in the least amount of time possible, though it grows more tasty over time. I submit to you that this is actually The World’s Finest Chili recipe, in that it is infinitely customizable. Ingredients are kept basic, but fixin’s can range from a simple sprig of cilantro to the kitchen sink version of the dish, including everything from fresh tomatoes, diced avocado, sliced scallions, chopped red onion, sour cream, shredded cheese, up to extra shots of Tabasco or your preferred hot sauce. Yum!

Now, at this point in the game, I would typically type up a copy of the recipe for you to put to the test, but since it’s from Cook’s Illustrated and they absolutely deserve the credit from anyone who should find it here—not to mention the fact that I firmly believe that stealing someone’s intellectual property is the King of No-No’s and will earn you a one-way ticket to Bad Ju-Ju City—I must regretfully omit the specifics on this page.

However, if you want to check out the original recipe, which goes under the name “Beef Chili with Bacon and Black Beans,” I highly encourage you to sign up for a free trial membership at the Cook’s Illustrated website to get the straight dope right from the horse’s mouth. It’s a 14-day free trial of all the recipes on the site, and it’s really worth it if you like to cook. I realize this sounds like some kind of sneaky way for me to get you sign you up for the Cook’s Illustrated website with a concealed profit from said sign-up cha-ching!-ing somewhere for me, but I can assure you that this benefits me in no way. Heck, they don’t even have an affiliate program, which sucks cus, frankly, I would LOVE to be an affiliate of theirs!

Anyway, my point is that I admire the way they are all about maximizing the awesome factor of classic American recipes by making them tasty, foolproof, standardized and far less time consuming than their dusty, crusty ancestors. To be fair, yes, I am all about Cook’s Illustrated and America’s Test Kitchen, where their recipes are tasted, tested and released into the wild, but there’s absolutely nothing in it for me.

Unless, of course, you count delicious chili like this:

Cook's Illustrated Beef Chili with Bacon and Black Beans recipe burbling on the stove

Seriously, make some tonight and tell me you didn’t fall in love!

Oh, and here are the ingredients, in case you’d like to play detective on your own to figure out the golden copyrighted ratio:

• bacon
• onions (preferably red, but that’s my opinion, not theirs)
• red bell pepper
• garlic
• chili powder
• ground cumin
• ground coriander
• red pepper flakes
• dried oregano
• cayenne pepper
• ground beef
• black beans
• diced tomatoes
• tomato puree
• salt

It may not quite be elementary, Watson, but it’s darn close.