In a last-ditch effort to ease our annoyance with all things Xmas gift-y, we’ve been avoiding the annual round-ups of “helpful” holiday crap you can mindlessly buy for your loved ones. After all, who wants to show people how much you “really care” by getting them the exact same thing every other hipster in Austin picked out of the newspaper’s line-up?
But then we thought: why not make our OWN list?
That’s right, it’s a Shoestring Austin Round-Up with weird Austin-themed recommendations for broke-asses by broke-asses. You won’t see anything over $20 on this list, and you can bet your sweet patootie that anything included is totally tongue-in-cheek. Enjoy our goofy, inexpeez ideas while you’re surfing for “serious” recommendations. After all, ’tis the season for weird gifts like frankincense (a smelly incense that keeps mosquitos at bay) and myrrh (an embalming oil that’s apparently also great for lowering LDL cholesterol) when all you really wanted was a bit of gold to pay the rent!
“Legalize Armadillos” t-shirt from Sharing Machine
If you don’t know Drew Toothpaste and Natalie Dee, you’ve clearly been living your life entirely too much in the real world. These web humorists sell t-shirts and other miscellaneous items to keep their free webcomics running. Their “Legalize Armadillos” shirt lends a nice Austin touch, even though it’s actually the product of a couple of Ohio residents’ awesomely warped minds. With the slogan “Legalize Armadillos: Regulate and tax them for revenue,” and a graphic of a cop watching over two rambunctious armadillos preparing to street fight, how can you go wrong?
$18 at SharingMachine.com.
Neti Pot
If you’ve lived in Austin long enough, you know all about the dreaded Cedar Fever. To add to the holiday hell, this snot-filled disease always seems to strike around Xmas, hooray! Give your loved one a little something that shows you care – a nice nasal irrigation system, aka Neti Pot. Just beware of the brain-eating amoeba and remember to clean the hell out of the thing every day.
$8 at Amazon.
99-cent (or free) ebooks
Even the most broke-ass of broke-asses can afford to take a chance on a new author at the mega-low price of 99-cents a pop. So here’s a quick list of ebooks that’ll prick up your spirits (and maybe your libido as well):
Beyond Religion: Ethics for a Whole World by His Holiness the Dalai Lama: The unabridged audio edition of this book, read by Martin Sheen and produced by Audible.com, is FREE at Amazon until December 20. If you can’t dig the spirit of Christmas, you can dig the Dalai Lama, whose message of peace and love extends all year-round.
- Maynard Soloman Proves Santa Claus is Real! by Benjamin Sobieck: As described on Amazon, “Maynard Soloman, a crusty and cranky private investigator, needs a Christmas miracle. Bill collectors want to repossess his beloved RV. In order to keep his home on wheels, he’ll need to do the impossible: Prove the existence of Santa Claus. It won’t be easy for the old detective. An odd Minnesota church, a drunk hound dog and an angry thief with a baseball bat stand in his way. And are those reindeer hooves on the RV roof? This hilarious off-beat short story is perfect for fans of crime fiction, quirky Christmas stories and razor-sharp humor. BONUS: Includes ‘Maynard Soloman’s Guide to Milk and Cookies.’”
Where to Get Laid in Montreal by Laura Roberts: “A cheeky how-to cum tour guide to the Sin City of the North, excerpted from Roberts’ forthcoming novel, Naked Montreal.” (Added bonus: sign up HERE for a free sample from the novel!)- Sharing by Miracle Jones: “After being abducted from a home for at-risk youth in the middle of the night by a twisted, murderous creature called an Indrik, a young girl named Charlotte with a talent for survival is taken (along with five other children) to an empty desert where it never becomes night and all the sand flows like water into a bottomless hole in the ground. First book of ‘The Fold.’ Followed by ‘Shifting.’” (Bonus: This one’s 100% FREE.)
- And if all else fails, be sure to check Amazon’s Top 100 Free list for free ebooks to download. The list changes on an hourly basis, depending on “sales” (i.e. downloads, since they’re free), and you can usually find at least one or two titles that’ll tickle your fancy.
Bat Ring
Ever see those Franzetti bat jewelry ads and think “Somebody’s gotta do better than $95 for a bat ring”? Well guess what: somebody has. Actually, a lot of somebodies have! And they’re all on Etsy. Personally, we’re fans of this Gothic Art Nouveau Design Glass Ring by KasketKustoms (an L.A. company), but feel free to poke around and find a favorite of your own.
$15 at Etsy.
Got a suggestion for an inexpensive Austin-themed holiday gift that’ll make someone’s day? Hit us up in the comments section, or tweet us @ShoestringATX!
