Okay, so the first time I got an email from local group iLoveMikeLitt, I trashed it and told my email client that it was most assuredly spam. The name alone set off warning bells in my mind, and as the reformed editor of an erotica blog, can you really blame me?
iLoveMikeLitt is a persistent group, however, and the email for their latest stunt made it past the spam filters, so I present to you a wild, crazy, VEGAN alternative to the meat-heavy 4th of July celebrations you’re likely being invited to right about now: The Final BUNtier, the 4th annual Veggie Hot Dog Eating Contest!
This only-in-Austin event goes down on the 4th of July (i.e. this Sunday) from 1 to 4 pm at the Tiniest Bar in Texas (817 W. 5th Street). The competition itself starts at 2 pm, and basically the idea is that while hipsters in New York City are slurping back meat hot dogs, their Austin hippie counterparts will be sucking down veggie dogs. Personally, I’m a fan of meaty dogs, but I’m down with this cheeky NYC-bashing, and if you’re sick of BBQ all up in this motha’, then perhaps you should check their shindig out!
For more deets, see iLoveMikeLitt’s website. I promise, there are no dildos or wangs or lady bits of any kind over there, despite the funky name.
While it seems my buddy Shim The DJ over at Diet-of-Insects is taking all the credit for the tasty Italian Sausage-Pepper-Onion sandwiches *I* made this afternoon for lunch, the fact remains that these bad-boys are a tasty, inexpeez, and non house-heatingly delicious way to kick it up a notch.
Used with permission
Okay, so he came up with the idea to try this recipe when we were fumbling around at the grocery store, asking ourselves “What should we eat?” But that’s about it. He’s currently spouting some nonsense about my just being “the vessel” for his “genius,” which you can take or leave. I mean, it’s obviously an old Italian recipe passed down by generations of nonnas. Still, you ought to try these sandwiches. Check his blog for the deets on how to make ‘em, and then give him the gears for reducing me to a mere “Celebrity Chef” footnote!
Some will argue that winter is the best time for chili, and as someone who formerly lived in the Great White North, I would certainly agree that chili is delicious as a bone-warming wintertime meal.
That being said, chili is effin’ wicked in the summertime, too. As some Old Wives will tell ya, eating or drinking hot stuff actually cools you off. Dunno if I necessarily believe in this concept, but it sure is nice to stuff your gob with spicy deliciousness and then drink down a gallon or two of water. Pair it up with an ice-cold beer and some might even say you’ve got a little slice of heaven there, pardner.
As any good Texan knows, there are many different kinds of chili, not the least of which is “Texas style” chili—i.e. the no-bean variety that uses chuck roast rather than ground beef for the meat. Having done some time in Cincinnati, I’ve also come to appreciate the joys of a good Cincinnati chili, complete with cocoa powder and cinnamon, thin “gravy” style sauce, and fixin’s 2 (spaghetti + chili), 3 (add cheddar cheese), 4 (add diced onions or beans) or 5-ways (add diced onions and beans). And perhaps it’s the New Yorker buried deep down inside that says you’d better serve that chili on a Coney Island hot dog or it’s not worth bothering with.
As you can see, I love me some chili, in all its glorious incarnations.
The recipe I currently use, however, comes from Cook’s Illustrated and maximizes the spices combined to form this chili in the least amount of time possible, though it grows more tasty over time. I submit to you that this is actually The World’s Finest Chili recipe, in that it is infinitely customizable. Ingredients are kept basic, but fixin’s can range from a simple sprig of cilantro to the kitchen sink version of the dish, including everything from fresh tomatoes, diced avocado, sliced scallions, chopped red onion, sour cream, shredded cheese, up to extra shots of Tabasco or your preferred hot sauce. Yum!
Now, at this point in the game, I would typically type up a copy of the recipe for you to put to the test, but since it’s from Cook’s Illustrated and they absolutely deserve the credit from anyone who should find it here—not to mention the fact that I firmly believe that stealing someone’s intellectual property is the King of No-No’s and will earn you a one-way ticket to Bad Ju-Ju City—I must regretfully omit the specifics on this page.
However, if you want to check out the original recipe, which goes under the name “Beef Chili with Bacon and Black Beans,” I highly encourage you to sign up for a free trial membership at the Cook’s Illustrated website to get the straight dope right from the horse’s mouth. It’s a 14-day free trial of all the recipes on the site, and it’s really worth it if you like to cook. I realize this sounds like some kind of sneaky way for me to get you sign you up for the Cook’s Illustrated website with a concealed profit from said sign-up cha-ching!-ing somewhere for me, but I can assure you that this benefits me in no way. Heck, they don’t even have an affiliate program, which sucks cus, frankly, I would LOVE to be an affiliate of theirs!
Anyway, my point is that I admire the way they are all about maximizing the awesome factor of classic American recipes by making them tasty, foolproof, standardized and far less time consuming than their dusty, crusty ancestors. To be fair, yes, I am all about Cook’s Illustrated and America’s Test Kitchen, where their recipes are tasted, tested and released into the wild, but there’s absolutely nothing in it for me.
Unless, of course, you count delicious chili like this:
Cook's Illustrated Beef Chili with Bacon and Black Beans recipe burbling on the stove
Seriously, make some tonight and tell me you didn’t fall in love!
Oh, and here are the ingredients, in case you’d like to play detective on your own to figure out the golden copyrighted ratio:
bacon
onions (preferably red, but that’s my opinion, not theirs)
red bell pepper
garlic
chili powder
ground cumin
ground coriander
red pepper flakes
dried oregano
cayenne pepper
ground beef
black beans
diced tomatoes
tomato puree
salt
It may not quite be elementary, Watson, but it’s darn close.
I still haven’t come up with any restaurants that can match the beauty of this man’s homemade Pad Thai here in Austin, but Celebrity Intern and I took another stab at it this week at the Fire Bowl Café.
With a mighty hunger upon us, and a need for a close approximation of the delicious noodles we were missing after visiting U & Me in Montreal, we had heard good things about Fire Bowl’s menu. We hit up their North Austin location (at 9828 Great Hills Trail) in search of a miracle, or at least a strong facsimile of the divine Pad Thai dancing in our heads.
Celebrity Intern gives their Pad Thai “a solid 8.327,” complaining about “not enough MSG” (oddly, something that everyone else resents having in their Asian food, he happens to LOVE). I would agree that the Pad Thai rates somewhere between an 8 and a 9 out of 10, mostly because it was slightly lacking in composition (i.e. ingredients). Yes, it had the standard chicken, shrimp, egg, rice noodles, peanuts (lots and LOTS of peanuts), bean sprouts, cilantro and scallions, but I felt it could’ve used more of all of the above. Except the peanuts, which were already prolific.
This Pad Thai was, in my opinion, a good effort and overall fairly satisfying, but it just needed to be more. Kick it up a notch and see where it goes, Fire Bowl Café! Gimme more shrimp and chicken, and don’t be so stingy on the spices (did we even get the cilantro pictured below?), either. Thai food should be identified by its hotness, after all.
Yeah, if our bowl of Pad Thai had been studded with this much shrimp, I would've been far more satisfied...
For those who like to kick everything up a notch on their own, there were plenty of spicy sauces to play with at the condiment counter. Celebrity Intern and I were torn about whether to slather the noodles with a hot sauce that was more chunky or more drippy, as both seemed viable options. Plus there was the standard srirachi chili sauce in a squirt bottle, for both hot and sweet together. I’m sure that many a lackluster order has been surprisingly altered by industrious patrons, armed with hot, sweet and sour sauces from the condiment rack. Bonzai!
Admittedly, we went lame-o Americano on our second choice of entrée, choosing the oh-so-Western General Tso Chicken. The cashier bafflingly asked what kind of noodles we wanted with that (doesn’t this dish normally get served with rice?!), so we ended up going with the flat rice Chow Fun noodles, which all stuck together in a glob at the bottom. Doh!
For our appetizer (which was ultimately served with our entrées), we went for the Crispy Crab Rangoons. My only complaint was that we only ordered 2, and I wanted more. Deep frying + cream cheese + crab + sweet and sour sauce = yum.
Overall, I think I would rate the Fire Bowl Café an 8 out of 10. The food is pretty standard pan-Asian cuisine, and the portions are quite generous (and inexpensive; this meal cost us about $22 with drinks), but as someone who likes to go more “native” on the spices, I found these dishes a bit bland. Doctoring at the spice rack improved them a bit, but why should I have to fix the spiciness of my dish when I’m eating out? Make it hotter and the people who like the heat will come, and the crybabies will all stay home with their nanny where they belong.
One of the first things the husbot and I did when we moved to Austin was to begin our search for the cheapest gym in the area. While some people may go for the frou-frou spas offered by the more upscale gyms, or seek out gyms that also offer extra programs like free yoga and Pilates classes or a pool, we are die-hard budget gym members. We look for the types of gyms where bodybuilders work out, because we know they take their equipment—and, specifically, their free weights—seriously and don’t mess around with those “extras” like hot towels and free massages.
Call us crazy, but when we go to work out, we want to just work out. After all, why would you want a pool at the gym when you can hit up Barton Springs?
Chillaxin' at Barton Springs is an Austin summer ritual (photo via City of Austin)
Anyway, we tried out a bunch of different Austin-area gyms, thanks to trial memberships and inexpensive day-passes, and this is what we found, to help you with your search for the best gym in Austin.
GOLD’S GYM
The first gym we tried out was one of the Gold’s Gym locations in North Austin (9101 Research Blvd), thanks to a partnership with the hotel where we were staying. The gym itself was nicely appointed, with plenty of cardio machines ranging from stairmasters and treadmills to ellipticals and good old-fashioned bikes. You could plug your headphones in and listen to a variety of sporting events, music videos or news stations on the TVs, or just crank your music. Their free weights were plentiful, and there were plenty of plates so that you didn’t have to wander around looking for them, or (god forbid!) have to borrow them off of other nearby machines. The weightlifters and body builders were out in force each time we went, so we knew the place was serious, and their locker rooms were spotlessly clean.
Drawbacks: They don’t list their membership fees on the website, and won’t even tell you over the phone what memberships cost, so you know it’s going to be pricey and a hard sell is involved. As the husbot, who has worked at a Gold’s Gym in the past, put it, “There are different levels of membership: gold, silver and bronze. You pay more for different services, so if you just want to use the free weights it’s one price, but if you want cardio too, it’s more.” The potential price is never stated, unless you come into the gym and talk to the salesperson, but is estimated at around $50 a month, plus a $150 enrollment fee.
Plus side: Although this was, by far, our favorite gym and membership would definitely be worth the cost, we just cannot afford it, and really hate their shady sales. They currently have a $1 enrollment special listed on their website, though there’s no mention of what the ensuing monthly fees will entail.
Overall grade: A-
24 HOUR FITNESS
The next gym we hit up was a 24 Hour Fitness location in North Austin (10616 Research Blvd). The cardio section of the gym was fairly well appointed, with plenty of bikes, treadmills, stairmasters and elliptical machines squeezed into an oddly shaped (and square-foot limited) space. It seemed as though the cardio machines were all facing the free weights and weight machines, to encourage staring at your fellow gym rats. This really bothered me. I much prefer all cardio machines to face the same direction, preferably keeping them distanced enough from the weight machines and free weights that people don’t feel like pieces of meat as they grunt and sweat at their chosen stations.
Lots of treadmills, not lots of space. How do you even get ON these things?
As for the free weights, there was quite a line-up for the limited racks of dumbbells they had on hand, and I felt like I was fighting for territory. Not to mention the cramped quarters. Meanwhile, the machines were supposedly all on a circuit, forcing those not interested in completing circuit training arguing with those who were mid-circuit over who should next be allowed to use the machine. Preposterous!
Then, for some reason, there was a ton of unused space in an area between yoga studios, presumably for stretching, and which people were attempting to take over for various other purposes ranging from push-ups and sit-ups to full-on Tai-Chi workouts (wtf? go to a park!). This mismanaged space made for an all-around uncomfortable work-out, and the feeling that this gym was trying to cram too much stuff into far too little space. (Did I mention the indoor track surrounding the workout area?)
Drawbacks: As mentioned above, though these may be particular to the location we checked out. They offer a 7-day free trial membership good at all locations, so you may want to investigate the rest before making up your mind.
Plus side: $26.99 a month (limited to workouts at one location only) isn’t so bad, as far as membership fees go, especially if you like extra classes and a pool included. Plus, if you’ve got a job that involves weird hours, they’re open—you guessed it!—24 hours a day. No couples/family plans, though, which is a bummer if you’re paying $26.99 x 2, or $53.98 a month.
Overall grade: C-
HYDE PARK GYM
Hyde Park Gym (4125 Guadalupe) is the one with the giant, possibly steroid-enhanced arm holding a dumbbell on the sign out front. You know the muscleheads love this place by that sign alone.
Oh, THAT giant 'roid arm! (photo via Hyde Park Gym)
Additionally, they also boast a variety of Austin-area athletes as members, and their website features those who’ve made the covers of various magazines like Muscle & Fitness. The husbot, who loves to lift really heavy weights, was immediately sold on this gym’s old-school, dank basement-y, Arnold Schwarzenegger-ish man’s man charm, complete with only four (4!) total cardio machines (an elliptical machine, 2 ancient Airdyne bikes—y’know, the type with the fan on the front and the moving arm pieces?—and one cross-country skiing type of machine that I’ve never seen before or since), but TONS UPON TONS of free weights and machines (click here for a complete list of their equipment).
Wait, there may have been a treadmill in there too, so that’s FIVE cardio machines.
The Hyde Park Gym's cardio machines scare me.
For the record: the husbot completely ignores cardio machines in his workouts. A total of 4 cardio machines, however, is a big drawback for me, as I like to mix it up with a bit of biking and a little elliptical, depending on my mood. I also hate feeling crowded or rushed by others, and don’t think there is any excuse for wait times when it comes to cardio. Buy those mofos in bulk, god dammit! This is why people join gyms instead of working out in their apartment complex’s crappy little “fitness center,” ya dig?
But back to the gym’s equipment. Aside from their astonishing lack of cardio machines, most of their weight-lifting machines were also of the ancient variety. Which was fine for the most part, until I got to the machines that involved pulleys, like the lat machine and the seated row machine, where in place of a standard-issue cable, there was actually a jump rope. A knotted, slowly-fraying jump rope. No, I’m not making this up.
Now, I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure this is quite dangerous, and possibly illegal. We mentioned it to the guys running the place, and they shrugged it off, so I’m not sure what else to tell you, except AVOID PULLEYS at this gym.
Drawbacks: Jump ropes instead of cables on all pulley weights. Not enough cardio machines. Many meatheads grunting and slamming weights. Women here are few and far-between (though this might be considered a plus if you’re single).
Plus side: If you like old-school free weights, and free weights only, this is the place to go. If you want to work out with local athletes, this is also the place to go. Rates are fairly reasonable, and are charged by single workouts ($10), weekly ($32) or monthly ($54) passes, 3 months at a time ($119), 6 months at a time ($207), or one year-long fee of $369. They also offer a 12-workout punch-card, which costs $72, and would be ideal for people who only work out once or twice a week.
Overall grade: C+ for effort, bringing it old-school, but F- for maintenance. Jump ropes in place of a cables = accident waiting to happen. I hope your liability insurance is all paid up.
YMCA
Creepy, ineffectual cleaning lady following you around with a rag and scowling! Annoying new mommies sitting on the machines and cooing over babies! People who just generally look at you like you’re crazy for lifting weights of more than 20 lbs!
Also, their prices blow; $55 a month ($70 for a couples membership) is NOT a bargain. I find it hard to believe that the Austin Chronicle voted this place the best gym in town for several years running, but perhaps it has to do with this line from their website: “We also offer reduced membership for all rates, for qualified applicants, that are based on household income [...] We will not turn anyone away due to inability to pay program or membership fees.”
We never heard boo about this when we hit them up for a free trial workout, so apparently you have to beg and plead for it. Or maybe you have to join the church and serve as a volunteer somewhere in exchange for their obscene fees? Who knows, but I’d rather not feel like a charity case because I can’t afford $70 a month for me and the husbot to hit the gym. (Speaking of which, if the YMCA is a certified charity, shouldn’t their fees be a lot lower to begin with?)
Drawbacks: Begging for a discount ain’t my style. I may be cheap, but I’ve got my pride. Plus, who the fuck wants to go to a gym where there are so many children around? Also, fire your “cleaning” lady, because although she wiped about every available surface with her filthy rag, giving everyone the stink-eye the entire time even though this is pretty much her job, she never lifted a finger when I got off my bike, leaving it all sweaty and disgusting. (I went back and cleaned it myself, FYI.)
Plus side: If you don’t mind begging, you can probably get a membership for free, or rilly rilly cheap. But you’ll have to provide proof of just how crappy your income actually is to get it. Is this really a plus? I’m torn.
Overall grade: A solid D-
PURE AUSTIN
I found a free trial membership code somewhere online for Pure Austin (2 locations, one at Quarry Lake in North Austin and one at Town Lake in South Austin), which bills itself as “an indoor gym for outdoor people,” and was going to give it a whirl—until I found out how much this insanely overpriced gym actually costs. With $150 as their “initial membership fee,” plus a minimum of $59 a month in fees, there was no way the husbot and I could afford this place. I mean, that’s $300 per person just to sign up, PLUS $118 a month in fees; how is this reasonable? Sure, they seem to be serious about fitness, with their millions of classes (some even venturing into the great outdoors, weather permitting), but they’re seriously out of my price range, and if you’re reading this, probably yours as well.
Drawbacks: Membership is out of your price range. Way, way, WAY out of your price range.
Plus side: I guess there must be some since they do actually have members, but seeing as I didn’t want to get hooked on a drug I couldn’t afford, I didn’t bother to check the place out.
Overall grade: F, for their Fancypants Pricing
PLANET FITNESS
The gym we finally subscribed to, thanks to its insanely cheap pricing scheme, Planet Fitness, is actually a fairly decent gym for the budget-minded. It’s also extremely friendly to the completely non-athletic, as their motto is “the Judgement Free Zone®.” (Yes, with a registered trademark!) Their color scheme may be the most horrendous in town (purple and yellow? MY EYES, THEY BURN!), but they are true to their word: they are really, really, REALLY cheap. Their PF Black Card membership, which is the most pricey, costs only $19.99 a month, while the über-basic membership costs a mere $10 a month.
Yes. $10. A month. There’s a $29 or $39 yearly membership fee, depending on which option you choose, but that’s it. Crazy, right?
We went for the Black Card memberships, with which you get:
reciprocal use at any of their locations throughout the U.S.,
daily guest privileges (as in: you can bring a guest, for free, every day if you want!),
unlimited tanning (not something we’ve used, but an interesting freebie),
unlimited use of the massage chairs, and
half-price cooler drinks
Granted, the cooler drinks are overpriced to begin with, so halving their price only makes them marginally reasonable, but sometimes you don’t feel like hitting up the Vitamin Shoppe before your workout, y’know? I’ve used the massage chair only once thus far, but it was a nice experience, especially after a hard workout. They also have TONS of cardio machines. Behold the glory!
No mirrors here to trick you; they actually have THAT MANY cardio machines!
The only real problem with this gym is that it’s definitely not made for serious athletes. While I, in theory, like the idea of a “judgement-free zone” while working out, having been to far too many gyms where you feel like a piece of meat based on the number of times people eye-fuck you, I also strongly believe in working out at the gym. You know, as in getting sweaty, lifting heavy weights and generally feeling like you did something hard that you will need to shower after. Sometimes, “judgement-free” seems to mean “you’re not allowed to tell the lazy-asses who are just having a chat and sitting on the machines doing nothing to please move so you can use said machine,” which bugs me. Especially since, despite their rows and rows of cardio machines, they don’t actually have that many weight-lifting machines, and the free weight area can start to get crowded on weekends with the members that actually are serious about working out.
Also, the whole concept of the “Lunk Alarm” pisses me off. No, I don’t want meatheads grunting and throwing down their weights in the free weight area. But I also don’t want to feel like people are JUDGING ME in a supposedly JUDGEMENT-FREE ZONE because I grunt or groan or puff out my cheeks when I am straining to lift a heavy weight. I’m not doing it to intimidate anyone, I’m doing it because it’s fucking heavy—and you would too if you were trying to lift something heavier than a pop can, okay?!
But, to be fair, I have no idea if the Lunk Alarm can actually be set off or not. In my experience, it never has (and there certainly isn’t a button for members to press, thank jeebus!), so I suspect it’s mostly just a gimmick to try to keep meatheads out. Then again, this YouTube video says otherwise:
Drawbacks: No squat rack. Dumbbells only go up to 70 lbs, and they don’t have 1/2 lb increments. Not enough plates, so you’re always borrowing from a neighbor. Only one leg press (i.e. a super high-traffic machine, wtf?). Stupid “Lunk Alarm” nonsense. Essentially: not a gym that’s for people who are serious about working out.
Plus side: Extremely cheap. Like, insanely so. Tons and tons of cardio equipment. If you like tanning, you don’t have to pay extra for it at this gym (with Black Card membership only), and if you’re not the most athletically-inclined, no one is going to make fun of you here.
Overall grade: B+
NOTE: This is by no means an exhaustive list of all the gyms in Austin. We are, thankfully, a very fitness-conscious city, and there are lots of options. If you happen to know of a good, honest, inexpensive gym that you’d like to recommend, let us know!
